Sunday, September 24, 2006
Teeth Whitening Fad Exposed As Terrorist Plot
http://assimilatedpress.blogspot.com/2006/09/teeth-whitening-fad-exposed-as.html
http://assimilatedpress.blogspot.com/2006/09/teeth-whitening-fad-exposed-as.html
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Report: Our High Schools May Not Adequately Prepare Dropouts For Unemployment
THE ONION
August 3, 2005 | Issue 41•31
WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report released Monday finds that America's high schools are not sufficiently preparing emerging dropouts for the demands of unemployment.
In a letter introducing the report, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao explained that schools routinely fail to impart dropouts with the critical lying- and sitting-around skills they need to thrive in today's jobless market.
"Our public high schools place too much focus on preparing kids for professional careers," Chao said. "This waste of resources leaves our dropouts, the majority of whom have no chance of ever finding a job, wholly unprepared to sleep till 1 p.m., or watch daytime television while eating ramen noodles out of an upturned Frisbee."
According to the study, America's weakest academic performers also drop out of high school without ever having learned to steal beer money from their housemates' change jars or wash their hair with bar soap.
"This oversight cannot continue if our kids are to become unproductive citizens," Chao said. "The future dregs of society are not being served."
Despite massive cuts in recent decades, some remnants of math and science instruction continue to plague many school districts. These courses, Chao argued, waste valuable time and money.
Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings defended the nation's public-school system.
"Educators do a lot to ensure that the most hopeless students slip through the cracks," Spellings said. "Arbitrary rules, irregularly enforced discipline, and pointless paperwork are just the first things that come to mind."
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25367
THE ONION
August 3, 2005 | Issue 41•31
WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report released Monday finds that America's high schools are not sufficiently preparing emerging dropouts for the demands of unemployment.
In a letter introducing the report, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao explained that schools routinely fail to impart dropouts with the critical lying- and sitting-around skills they need to thrive in today's jobless market.
"Our public high schools place too much focus on preparing kids for professional careers," Chao said. "This waste of resources leaves our dropouts, the majority of whom have no chance of ever finding a job, wholly unprepared to sleep till 1 p.m., or watch daytime television while eating ramen noodles out of an upturned Frisbee."
According to the study, America's weakest academic performers also drop out of high school without ever having learned to steal beer money from their housemates' change jars or wash their hair with bar soap.
"This oversight cannot continue if our kids are to become unproductive citizens," Chao said. "The future dregs of society are not being served."
Despite massive cuts in recent decades, some remnants of math and science instruction continue to plague many school districts. These courses, Chao argued, waste valuable time and money.
Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings defended the nation's public-school system.
"Educators do a lot to ensure that the most hopeless students slip through the cracks," Spellings said. "Arbitrary rules, irregularly enforced discipline, and pointless paperwork are just the first things that come to mind."
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25367
Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self
THE ONION
August 1, 2006 | Issue 42•31
WASHINGTON, DC—In a decisive 1–0 decision Monday, President Bush voted to grant the president the constitutional power to grant himself additional powers.
"As president, I strongly believe that my first duty as president is to support and serve the president," Bush said during a televised address from the East Room of the White House shortly after signing his executive order. "I promise the American people that I will not abuse this new power, unless it becomes necessary to grant myself the power to do so at a later time."
The Presidential Empowerment Act, which the president hand-drafted on his own Oval Office stationery and promptly signed into law, provides Bush with full authority to permit himself to authorize increased jurisdiction over the three branches of the federal government, provided that the president considers it in his best interest to do so.
"In a time of war, the president must have the power he needs to make the tough decisions, including, if need be, the decision to grant himself even more power," Bush said. "To do otherwise would be playing into the hands of our enemies."
Added Bush: "And it's all under due process of the law as I see it."
In addition, the president reserves the right to overturn any decision to allow himself to increase his power by using a line-item veto, which in turn may only be overruled by the president.
Senior administration officials lauded Bush's decision, saying that current presidential powers over presidential power were "far too limited."
"Previously, the president only had the power to petition Congress to allow him to grant himself the power to grant more power to himself," Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said shortly after the ceremony. "Now, the president can grant himself the power to interpret new laws however he sees fit, then use that power to interpret a law in such a manner that in turn grants him increased power."
In addition, a proviso in the 12th provision of the new law permits Bush the authority to waive the need for any presidential authorization of power in a case concerning national security, although legal experts suggest it would be little exercised.
Despite the president's new powers, the role of Congress and the Supreme Court has not been overlooked. Under the new law, both enjoy the newly broadened ability to grant the president the authority to increase his presidential powers.
"This gives the president the tools he needs to ensure that the president has all the necessary tools to expedite what needs to be done, unfettered by presidential restrictions on himself," said Rep. John Cornyn (R-TX). "It's long overdue."
Though public response to the new law has been limited, there has been an unfavorable reaction among Democrats, who are calling for restrictions on Bush's power to allow himself to grant the president more powers that would restrict the powers of Congress.
"This is a clear case of President Bush having carte blanche to grant himself complete discretion to enact laws to increase his power," Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. "The only thing we can do now is withhold our ability to grant him more authority to grant himself more power."
"Unless he authorizes himself to strip us of that power," Reid added.
Despite criticism, Bush took his first official action under the new law Tuesday, signing an executive order ordering that the chief executive be able to order more executive orders.
In addition, Republicans, fearful that the president's new power undermines their ability to grant him power, have proposed a new law that would allow senators to permit him to grant himself power, with or without presidential approval.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51140
THE ONION
August 1, 2006 | Issue 42•31
WASHINGTON, DC—In a decisive 1–0 decision Monday, President Bush voted to grant the president the constitutional power to grant himself additional powers.
"As president, I strongly believe that my first duty as president is to support and serve the president," Bush said during a televised address from the East Room of the White House shortly after signing his executive order. "I promise the American people that I will not abuse this new power, unless it becomes necessary to grant myself the power to do so at a later time."
The Presidential Empowerment Act, which the president hand-drafted on his own Oval Office stationery and promptly signed into law, provides Bush with full authority to permit himself to authorize increased jurisdiction over the three branches of the federal government, provided that the president considers it in his best interest to do so.
"In a time of war, the president must have the power he needs to make the tough decisions, including, if need be, the decision to grant himself even more power," Bush said. "To do otherwise would be playing into the hands of our enemies."
Added Bush: "And it's all under due process of the law as I see it."
In addition, the president reserves the right to overturn any decision to allow himself to increase his power by using a line-item veto, which in turn may only be overruled by the president.
Senior administration officials lauded Bush's decision, saying that current presidential powers over presidential power were "far too limited."
"Previously, the president only had the power to petition Congress to allow him to grant himself the power to grant more power to himself," Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said shortly after the ceremony. "Now, the president can grant himself the power to interpret new laws however he sees fit, then use that power to interpret a law in such a manner that in turn grants him increased power."
In addition, a proviso in the 12th provision of the new law permits Bush the authority to waive the need for any presidential authorization of power in a case concerning national security, although legal experts suggest it would be little exercised.
Despite the president's new powers, the role of Congress and the Supreme Court has not been overlooked. Under the new law, both enjoy the newly broadened ability to grant the president the authority to increase his presidential powers.
"This gives the president the tools he needs to ensure that the president has all the necessary tools to expedite what needs to be done, unfettered by presidential restrictions on himself," said Rep. John Cornyn (R-TX). "It's long overdue."
Though public response to the new law has been limited, there has been an unfavorable reaction among Democrats, who are calling for restrictions on Bush's power to allow himself to grant the president more powers that would restrict the powers of Congress.
"This is a clear case of President Bush having carte blanche to grant himself complete discretion to enact laws to increase his power," Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. "The only thing we can do now is withhold our ability to grant him more authority to grant himself more power."
"Unless he authorizes himself to strip us of that power," Reid added.
Despite criticism, Bush took his first official action under the new law Tuesday, signing an executive order ordering that the chief executive be able to order more executive orders.
In addition, Republicans, fearful that the president's new power undermines their ability to grant him power, have proposed a new law that would allow senators to permit him to grant himself power, with or without presidential approval.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51140
Mister Rogers' Neighborhood Gerrymandered To Serve King Friday's Make-Believe Agenda
THE ONION
September 19, 2006 | Issue 42•38
MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD, PA—A plan to radically redistrict Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood to further cement the control of the powerful King Friday XIII political machine is expected to pass this week and deeply affect current taxation structure, voting patterns, and services. "Meow-me-meow can't afford meow property tax as it stands now meow, and meow don't want everything I've worked for to be destroyed meow," said one resident, who asked to remain anonymous. Among the anticipated changes are sharp cutbacks in speedy deliveries, the elimination of trolley routes to such low-income districts as Someplace Else and the platypus mound, as well as the destruction of the Museum-Go-Round to make room for a massive new headquarters for The Electric Company.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52976
THE ONION
September 19, 2006 | Issue 42•38
MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD, PA—A plan to radically redistrict Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood to further cement the control of the powerful King Friday XIII political machine is expected to pass this week and deeply affect current taxation structure, voting patterns, and services. "Meow-me-meow can't afford meow property tax as it stands now meow, and meow don't want everything I've worked for to be destroyed meow," said one resident, who asked to remain anonymous. Among the anticipated changes are sharp cutbacks in speedy deliveries, the elimination of trolley routes to such low-income districts as Someplace Else and the platypus mound, as well as the destruction of the Museum-Go-Round to make room for a massive new headquarters for The Electric Company.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52976
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
When Jesus Comes ...
White House OK's Use Of Torture In Public Schools
Washington, D.C. - The Department of Education today announced that Guantanamo style techniques have been approved for use in the nation's public school system for the purpose of instilling discipline and maintaining order. These techniques include waterboarding, severe stress positioning, prolonged interrogation without sleep and beatings that do not result in permanent injury.
In presenting this major policy decision to the public, Margaret Spellings, U.S. Secretary of Education, said "It is important to instill in our young people a sense of discipline and respect for authority. That is why we have authorized these humane methods which have proved their effectiveness in careful testing over the last several years."
Spellings then went on to say that "These new tools we are making available for school administrators are not only approved for punishment and the maintenance of proper discipline but are also recommended for the general interrogation of students in order to procure time-critical information on the drug usage and misbehavior of other students. This will save lives and also reduce financial losses due to vandalism. Who, on earth, could possibly be against that?"
Within hours, critics reacted to the announcement by saying that it was a cruel and abusive way to treat the country's children and would make the United States a moral pariah. In response to this heated criticism, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said, "President Bush believes he was elected to provide a safe and secure environment for the education of America's youth and that is what he intends to do. People who oppose us on this issue are not only wrong, they are promoting drug use and chaos in our schools."
The American Civil Liberties Union and several other organizations have questioned the constitutionality of today's announced policy but most legal scholars feel that the Supreme Court will reject their claims as unwarranted due to the fact that previous court decisions have determined that students are not covered by the protections provided in the Constitution.
http://assimilatedpress.blogspot.com/2006/09/white-house-oks-use-of-torture-in.html
Washington, D.C. - The Department of Education today announced that Guantanamo style techniques have been approved for use in the nation's public school system for the purpose of instilling discipline and maintaining order. These techniques include waterboarding, severe stress positioning, prolonged interrogation without sleep and beatings that do not result in permanent injury.
In presenting this major policy decision to the public, Margaret Spellings, U.S. Secretary of Education, said "It is important to instill in our young people a sense of discipline and respect for authority. That is why we have authorized these humane methods which have proved their effectiveness in careful testing over the last several years."
Spellings then went on to say that "These new tools we are making available for school administrators are not only approved for punishment and the maintenance of proper discipline but are also recommended for the general interrogation of students in order to procure time-critical information on the drug usage and misbehavior of other students. This will save lives and also reduce financial losses due to vandalism. Who, on earth, could possibly be against that?"
Within hours, critics reacted to the announcement by saying that it was a cruel and abusive way to treat the country's children and would make the United States a moral pariah. In response to this heated criticism, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said, "President Bush believes he was elected to provide a safe and secure environment for the education of America's youth and that is what he intends to do. People who oppose us on this issue are not only wrong, they are promoting drug use and chaos in our schools."
The American Civil Liberties Union and several other organizations have questioned the constitutionality of today's announced policy but most legal scholars feel that the Supreme Court will reject their claims as unwarranted due to the fact that previous court decisions have determined that students are not covered by the protections provided in the Constitution.
http://assimilatedpress.blogspot.com/2006/09/white-house-oks-use-of-torture-in.html
Monday, September 18, 2006
'[T]errorists' may be a threat to the wellbeing of a small number of unfortunate individuals but are no threat to our society or way of life - unlike the government.
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/columnists/story/0,,1810943,00.html
comment by:
HowSoonIsNow
July 2, 2006 11:56 AM
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/columnists/story/0,,1810943,00.html
comment by:
HowSoonIsNow
July 2, 2006 11:56 AM
